In Finding Myself

I always find myself looking for something else in every relationship I had.  As if something is always missing and it took me several years to figure out if what it is.

I was missing myself, I was lost. I don’t know the real me. And nothing can replace the emptiness I felt inside.  Even a good or not so good romantic relationship, my relationship with my friends or family.  Don’t get me wrong some of my exes are still friends with me, I have few chosen wonderful friends and a beautiful family. It’s not them it’s me.

At times I was passive or controlling to them, jealous and willing to do anything for them.  I was afraid to lost them. I hold on to them too tightly.  Sometimes I even pretend to be something I am not, just for them to like me.

It’s an agonizing experience for my soul. It’s so painful. Until I was awakened and became aware of all these that is happening in my life. I have to be truthful first to myself and ask questions like What do I really felt? what are those things that makes me happy or sad? What do I really want without considering what my family or friends would tell me? What is my purpose in life? Who I really am without the attachments to what other people would say about me? And it’s not easy to find the answers. It takes real courage to face my true self.

Slowly I began confronting my fears, my issues and beliefs. And I found out that in order to truly love other people I have to learn to love and respect my self first. I have to set boundaries and speak my truth. And right now I’m still in that process. Sometimes I still find my self wanting to please other people and conform to their idea of who I should be. But I also make a commitment to myself to always try to listen to my inner being. Because it knows what I really want, there lies the truth, the light and the answers to all my questions. Therefore I AM.

What a Journey

I was never the same person again since the day I was awakened from slumber. I tried to resist it and be back to my old ways of living a life not being present at the moment. But it was hard enough to ignore and it was not easy also to dealt with either. And from the time I embark with this journey, it forces me to go deeper within my self. I came face to face with lots of past issues and hurts, those excess baggages and false beliefs in my life that are not serving me anymore but I still hold on to. The moment I let go and heal a certain issue, another one is on its way. Sometimes I felt peace, enjoying my solitude. Sometimes also I felt so depressed and cry for no reason at all.

I have to feel again the pain of losing my father way back for how many years already, because I don’t have a chance to grieve for his death since I was so young then. I had this fear that all my loved ones will be lost anytime soon, so I hold on to them too tightly. I have to understand that death is life’s natural cycle. And it teaches me to be strong enough to let go of all the people in my life who wants to leave.

Growing up I was told that I am not good-looking compared to my mother and sister. It was planted deeply in my mind and hated myself for being labeled ugly by the people around me. I never accepted myself for who I truly am. I pretend to be someone I am not. I covered my hurt with so many mask and I have to learn to remove it one by one until what remains is the real me, raw and vulnerable but glowing with light and love. I am still in that process right now.

I was also very passive and afraid to voice out my idea, I let some people lived my life for me. I based my actions on what other people will say about me. I didn’t ask my self if what I really like. Until I became somebody I am not. I have to discover the real me and my true desires and goals in life. That it’s okay being me, I am perfectly imperfect and I have to accept my self for the moment including my flaws and weaknesses. My ideas and opinions matter because I matter. I am a child of the universe I am one with the universe. I am here for a reason.

I was also told that God is that beard looking guy who will punish every mistake I made and will ensure that I go to hell if I didn’t repent. I was so overcome with guilt and it adds up to not liking myself because I saw myself as a sinner unworthy of love and forgiveness. There are so many religious traditions and practices that I came to question because it doesn’t resonate with my soul. I keep searching and examining my beliefs towards God. What I found out is that He is a piece of me, He lives in me and always available every time I needed Him. He is the life source not dependent upon with so many religious labels and beliefs that made people misunderstood and mistreated each other

I also let go of my false belief that I am unworthy to be loved and be happy, that I deserve to be cheated and it’s okay to cheat. I have to draw my boundaries and forgive those people who’ve hurt me in the past. And also forgive myself for letting others hurt me. I deserve love, coming not only from romantic relationship but from every being in this planet. That I am love, so is everyone around me. We are all connected. We are One.

I have to embrace pain and learn my lesson. Because that is the only way to heal and learn to let go of all those beliefs that hinders me from serving my true purpose on earth. I was subconsciously creating the same scenario in my life and it won’t change unless I change my beliefs. Life is not about playing the victim game, I have the power to create things, circumstances happened because I have created them in my mind and eventually became my reality.

I also learned to let go of some people whose field of vibration does not resonate with mine and met a few spiritual friends along the way. It was not an easy journey. But once I’ve decided to take part in it there is no turning back. And it’s worth everything I’ve been through and will be going through in the future. I am just starting and have to brace my self for more exciting roller coaster ride.