30 Things I’m letting go at 30

It’s still my birth month and I’m still contemplating on my age. For me turning 30 is a start of another decade of exciting adventures and madness in life. I once read a quote that says “He, who would travel happily, must travel light”. So to truly enjoy each moment of my journey, I’ve made a list of things below that I need to let go of.

1. Other people or Society’s expectations of me.

I spent almost thirty years of my life always thinking and doing what other people or society expects of me. And I lost my self in the process. Now I’m on my way of getting to know myself better, discovering the things that I truly want and those that make me happy without considering what other people will think of me as long as I’m not hurting anyone.

2. My expectations towards myself.

I always dreamed of having my own business, write a book, change the world, help heal humanity and mother earth and travel to many parts of the world. Every day I am closer to that person whom I intend to be, one day at a time. But for now, this is who I am and what I have, I had to be at peace with that. Of course I will never stop reaching for my goals, but at the end if things don’t turn out as I have planned. I won’t fret and I’m okay.

3. My expectations towards other people.

I notice that most of the sufferings I encountered in my life are the result of unmeet expectations I had towards other people. And these varies from each person, depending on the kind of relationship I had with them. Bottom line is it’s best if I learn how to lower my expectations or totally let go of them because the fact is, I cannot control other people’s action.

4. My favorite shoes

I still wear them, because it’s my favorite. But it already causes pain in my feet, because of it’s worn out soles. I cannot help but compare it with people too. And it leads me to #5

5. My Past

This refers to those people, beliefs and situations in the past that I hold on so much even though there is no sense of doing it anymore. I always try to remind myself that change is the only constant thing in this world. What is valid yesterday may not be true at all today. Life is a never ending process of creation and destruction, endings and beginnings. Somewhere in between I need to learn to let go of my past in order to become who I truly am at the moment.

6. Imposing my beliefs and judging other people’s beliefs

When I had my spiritual awakening, my beliefs in life drastically changes. Then I judged people, I wanted them to believe in what I also believed in. But I realized that I can only share with them my experience but never impose because we all have our own individual path to take in our life’s journey.

7. Procrastination

Confession time! Yes I am guilty of this. I am the type of person who will do things when I only had few minutes left. I know it’s not good and I have to let go of this habit.

8. Always trying to please other people and saying yes to their request

Because I am an Empath and most of the time I feel exactly what other people feel, I cannot help but give myself more to other people by always saying yes to their request and trying to please them. But this is detrimental to my being. Currently I’m learning how to balance my empathetic abilities.

9. Daydreaming about my crush

So many years have already passed since high school, yet I’m still doing it. My gosh! I felt like I’m blushing. Before I think there is nothing wrong with this, after all I was the only one who knew what is going on inside my mind. But the thing is, it keeps me from forming a genuine friendship with the person in real life, because I already have preconceived notions about him. So it’s not healthy anymore, not at my age.

10. Keeping my ideas and opinion to myself

Whenever I am with a group of people and discussing a certain topic, even though i have lots of ideas in mind I find it difficult to express my thoughts. I am struggling with this and honestly I don’t have any idea how to improve this.

11. Eating any processed food with dairies and artificial sweetener.

Oh No! This is suicide. But these foods are the culprit of my acne breakouts. So I am really serious about this? Maybe I will still eat occasionally and in moderation. Fingers crossed.

12. Comparing myself to other people

Nowadays because of social media, it’s so easy to know what is going on with everybody’s lives even though they are thousand miles away. And I cannot help but compare myself to other people’s success, the things they own, activities they have and places they have been to. But I believed I am exactly where I should be at this moment in time and that the only person I have to compete with is myself.

13. Belittling myself and putting limitations with my abilities

I sometimes find myself saying this is just who I am, I cannot do this and that. But the hell with me! I am made for greatness. There are so many things I can do, be that person I never thought I will be and experience life I never thought possible.

14. Fear

Most of the time this is the main reason that hinders me from becoming. But fear is just an illusion and it ceases to exist once confronted. Starting today I promise to have the courage to face my fear more often.

15. My dream of becoming a model

As much as I want to dream bigger and stop putting limitations with myself as I’ve mentioned in #13, there are some things that I just need to accept and know when it’s time to throw the towel.

16. Unnecessary distractions

I am easily distracted, always giving my attention to unnecessary things in life. I have to remind myself that it’s okay not to answer every email or text message I got from someone, or get absorb with some friend’s drama in his/her facebook or wechat post or know the latest headlines on the news. I want to develop the habit of spending my time wisely and being mindful.

17. Suppressing my negative emotions

From childhood we are taught not to show any negative emotions with people. But it’s part of being human. I am not saying its okay to shoot your annoying neighbor. But we need to acknowledge and be fluid with our emotions, either good or bad. So that it will not linger in our emotional body and causes blockages and diseases.

18. Giving away my power

Every day I encounter lots of ideas from people I’ve met or books I’ve read. If I am unaware I could be persuaded easily and surrender my power to them. It’s time to take charge of my life and own my ideas and not letting those people and their ideas control my life.

19. Holding on to Love

Another confession! I am a possessive and jealous person especially with the people I love. Alongside with my many demands and conditions imposed upon them, I will love you only if you love me in return or if you do this or be like that, etc.  But you know what I’ve realized? Love is meant to be free with no conditions attached, it is our natural state of being not something to be possessed or earned.

20. Attachments

We are conditioned to live in a society where attachments to material things, people and status are considered as the norm. But the truth is everything in life is passing, as the saying goes “here today gone tomorrow”. For more detailed discussion about this topic, please check out my previous article.

21. Not loving or accepting myself enough

During my 30th birthday I have given myself the most important gift I could ever received, it’s loving and accepting myself unconditionally. Of course it’s not an overnight process, but it’s a good start for me and I’m on my way to healing and unraveling those beliefs such as “I am not worthy, I don’t deserve to be happy, etc.” that I have kept with myself for a very long time.

22. Over thinking

My mind never gets tired of incessant thinking. And I get too consumed by it and it makes me believe that I am my mind. But if I just learn to be quiet and still and just be a mere observer I will become more aware of this conscious presence that is beyond thoughts and forms. It is the true essence of my being, divine and eternal.

23. My dream of having a husband and children in the future

This is related to #1, 2 & 3 but I need to be more specific about this. Yes I want to have a family of my own in the future, that is my expectation towards myself and also it’s almost everyone’s expectation of me, I’m actually out of words every time somebody will ask the immortal question “WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?”. Would you please confirm with me first if I have a boyfriend and if I said NONE for God’s sake please don’t ask “WHY?” Please just don’t! And speaking of special someone, believe me I’d always expect the guy to be “The One”, “My future husband”, “Father of my future children” etc… I think they can sense my enthusiasm and as a result they are eager to leave the relationship. But hey I am currently enjoying my life, I’m getting to know myself better, working on improving, accepting and loving myself even more, I’m learning from my mistakes. I am exactly where I should be at this moment. No pressure! No expectations!

24. Seeking every answer for my many questions in life

The more I search for my seemingly unanswered questions the more I realized how ignorant I am in understanding life’s mysteries and I am overwhelmed by it. It was once said that life is not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be experienced. So no need to panic, I trust that the answers will come when I’m ready for it. Right now, I just have to live my life one answer at a time.

25. Pretending to be somebody I am not

This is coming from my lack of self love and acceptance; hence I pretend to be somebody I am not so that people will like me. But the more I do it, the more they see how unreal I am with myself and with them and it drives them away. I know not everyone will agree with me or say nice things about me. But when I am true to myself, I also allow and respect other people for expressing themselves freely. You see it’s a win-win situation.

26. Toxic People

There are different kinds of toxic people that we encounter every day. There are some obvious ones such as drama queens, pessimist, unjust critics, etc. But there are also some who seems to be smiling with me in the outside, but deep inside they are full of angst towards me. And I wonder why all of a sudden I don’t feel good after talking to them. They drag me down and sap my vibrant energy. I try to avoid them or if I cannot avoid them I will try to set firm boundaries with them. I also unfollow them in social media, I cannot stand their post and status it lowers my vibration. This is not being rude; it’s my duty to protect myself from those kinds of people.

27. Not living in the present moment

This is related to #22, it’s either my mind is constantly reliving the story in my past or thinking about my hopes for the future. And as a result I don’t live in the present moment. I don’t really get to enjoy the company of wonderful people I am with or I failed to appreciate the wonder and joy of  being at the moment I always need to remind myself that now is the only time I have; I cannot go back to my past or travel in advance to the future.

28. Blaming other people for my unhappiness

Every time a certain situation or a particular person upsets me. I always use it as an opportunity for self reflection. Because most of the time our perception or reaction towards other people or situation reflects the current state of our inner being. Am I upset because a loved one failed to do something I am expecting him/her to do for me? Maybe it’s time to reflect on the expectations I have for myself and others. And be more aware of my needs and try to fulfill them on my own.

29. Seeking recognition/validation for what I do

Once I have published an article I’ve written I am dying to know other people’s opinion and feedback. Or when I’ve done something that I think deserves an appreciation I am very eager to hear it from people. But lately I thought as long as I wrote from my heart, I do things from the depths of my soul. That itself is my greatest satisfaction.

30. The things that I cannot change

I cannot change the time when my father died when I was just 5 years old, when I had my series of heartbreaks or when some parts of my retina was detached leaving my right eye a quarter blind. The sun continues to rise every morning. Life goes on my friends and every day we start anew…

 

Loving myself at 30

Three decades of existence yet I can never remember an instance in my life where I had truly loved and accepted myself for who I really am. I love myself only if I am like this or that, or if I heard other people tell me they like me.

When did I stop loving myself unconditionally then? When a relative made a remark on how I look physically, when a teacher told me she doesn’t like me to be her student, when a friend or special someone betrayed me, etc… My list goes on and on, and remembering them all makes me want to cry a river.

No wonder I cannot understand how it is to love unconditionally. How can I give to others what I am lacking in the first place?

And since today is my birthday I decided to give myself the best gift I could ever have. I look at the mirror and I speak to that woman who has been with me through all these years. “I love you simply for being you, I accept you for who you are including your flaws and weaknesses. Forgive me for not being able to forgive you and not making peace with your past. I acknowledge every negative emotion you had and every mistake you made. You’ve got your looks from your father and since he died when you are just 5 years old, while you were growing up people can’t help but notice how you look differently from your sister and your mother. And it’s okay you are just you, you can’t change the way you look. Haven’t you noticed how expressive your eyes are? I just love looking at them, it says a thousand words. That teacher who told you she doesn’t like you, she was just annoyed then because you are so talkative but she doesn’t mean it personally. Yes you talk a lot when you were a child. But as an adult you hardly speak your mind in front of other people, please keep in mind that it’s alright to express yourself and embrace your ideas.  That friend or special someone who betrayed you, it could be about you or about him/her, it doesn’t matter. You cannot control other people’s actions but you have to continuously learn to forgive them including yourself for allowing them to hurt you. You have a big heart, very emphatic and sensitive. Sometimes naive and gullible.  You love to write, dance and explore new places. You over indulge in chocolates, but now you are consciously changing your eating habits. You daydream a lot and get carried away by it. But you are learning how to be mindful and live with awareness. You are struggling to live a life aligned with your purpose and have a lots of questions, its okay. Someday you will figure it out. You just have to keep walking your path and learn to trust and surrender. I have to remind you that you cannot please everybody and not everyone will agree with you. But its okay, by giving yourself permission to be you, you also respect and accept people by letting them express themselves freely. You have so much potential, I believe you have yet to become that best version of you and right now you are in the process of becoming, though it takes a lot of hard work and determination, together we can do it. Let’s keep trying and never be afraid to make mistakes, because it is the only way to learn. Conquer your fear; remember it ceases to exist once confronted. Have the courage to jump into the unknown, welcome every adventure, ecstasy, rapture and madness in life. And no matter how many times you fall, I promise that I will never give up on you. You are all that I have, how can I ever turn my back away from you? 30 years of existence and look how amazing you became…Happy birthday my dearest Janice!”

Often times during my birthday I expect greetings and special messages from family and friends. But today I got the most exceptional message ever! And I don’t have to wait that long, all I need to do is to face the mirror and say a word. But of course your greetings are still appreciated. I cannot describe how amazing it felt! Starting today, I promise to whisper “I love you” to that reflection whom I see every time I look in front of the mirror. And by the way, I choose to let go of the negative stories I have with myself and people from my past.

And lastly I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to my family, friends and relatives who are always there for me no matter what, especially to those wonderful people whom I’ve met here in Shanghai for less than a year or so, it seems like  I have known you already for eternity. To my readers and followers, thank you so much for your support. I am blessed to have you all in my life.

Thank you and I love you all!