Three decades of existence yet I can never remember an instance in my life where I had truly loved and accepted myself for who I really am. I love myself only if I am like this or that, or if I heard other people tell me they like me.

When did I stop loving myself unconditionally then? When a relative made a remark on how I look physically, when a teacher told me she doesn’t like me to be her student, when a friend or special someone betrayed me, etc… My list goes on and on, and remembering them all makes me want to cry a river.

No wonder I cannot understand how it is to love unconditionally. How can I give to others what I am lacking in the first place?

And since today is my birthday I decided to give myself the best gift I could ever have. I look at the mirror and I speak to that woman who has been with me through all these years. “I love you simply for being you, I accept you for who you are including your flaws and weaknesses. Forgive me for not being able to forgive you and not making peace with your past. I acknowledge every negative emotion you had and every mistake you made. You’ve got your looks from your father and since he died when you are just 5 years old, while you were growing up people can’t help but notice how you look differently from your sister and your mother. And it’s okay you are just you, you can’t change the way you look. Haven’t you noticed how expressive your eyes are? I just love looking at them, it says a thousand words. That teacher who told you she doesn’t like you, she was just annoyed then because you are so talkative but she doesn’t mean it personally. Yes you talk a lot when you were a child. But as an adult you hardly speak your mind in front of other people, please keep in mind that it’s alright to express yourself and embrace your ideas.  That friend or special someone who betrayed you, it could be about you or about him/her, it doesn’t matter. You cannot control other people’s actions but you have to continuously learn to forgive them including yourself for allowing them to hurt you. You have a big heart, very emphatic and sensitive. Sometimes naive and gullible.  You love to write, dance and explore new places. You over indulge in chocolates, but now you are consciously changing your eating habits. You daydream a lot and get carried away by it. But you are learning how to be mindful and live with awareness. You are struggling to live a life aligned with your purpose and have a lots of questions, its okay. Someday you will figure it out. You just have to keep walking your path and learn to trust and surrender. I have to remind you that you cannot please everybody and not everyone will agree with you. But its okay, by giving yourself permission to be you, you also respect and accept people by letting them express themselves freely. You have so much potential, I believe you have yet to become that best version of you and right now you are in the process of becoming, though it takes a lot of hard work and determination, together we can do it. Let’s keep trying and never be afraid to make mistakes, because it is the only way to learn. Conquer your fear; remember it ceases to exist once confronted. Have the courage to jump into the unknown, welcome every adventure, ecstasy, rapture and madness in life. And no matter how many times you fall, I promise that I will never give up on you. You are all that I have, how can I ever turn my back away from you? 30 years of existence and look how amazing you became…Happy birthday my dearest Janice!”

Often times during my birthday I expect greetings and special messages from family and friends. But today I got the most exceptional message ever! And I don’t have to wait that long, all I need to do is to face the mirror and say a word. But of course your greetings are still appreciated. I cannot describe how amazing it felt! Starting today, I promise to whisper “I love you” to that reflection whom I see every time I look in front of the mirror. And by the way, I choose to let go of the negative stories I have with myself and people from my past.

And lastly I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to my family, friends and relatives who are always there for me no matter what, especially to those wonderful people whom I’ve met here in Shanghai for less than a year or so, it seems like  I have known you already for eternity. To my readers and followers, thank you so much for your support. I am blessed to have you all in my life.

Thank you and I love you all!