“No matter, how hard I try
No matter, how many tears I cry
No matter, how many years go by
I still can’t say goodbye”

Tears started to roll down my cheeks the moment I heard this lyrics from a song. It reminds me of my father, today is his 60th birthday. He passed away when I was just a child. I never grieved for his loss, I don’t know how to process it back then.

Twenty five years after his death, how can I say goodbye to a person whose love and presence I long for in every second of my existence?

It was temporarily filled when I had my first relationship. Which I hold on dearly for how many years, even though I was betrayed several times and it added a toll in my low self esteem. I yearn for men’s affection but I don’t know how to set healthy boundaries. I am naive when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. My world tends to revolve around them. What I didn’t know is that I was missing the love, care, protection, respect and commitment that a little girl needs from his father. I never have it within me. I became drawn to those who withhold from me the very thing that I was missing in the first place. And I find it hard to let go. In the same way that I cannot get over my longing for a father’s love.

I ask my self what shall I do then? Silence was the answer..

For the meantime I will just listen to the rest of the song..

“Wind blows through the trees
Street lights, they still shine bright
Most things are the same
But I miss my dad tonight”