In my previous article, I was aware that the silence that stood still during my introspection was just temporary. I trust that I will have the answer when I’m ready. Then after a few days, the word acceptance keeps coming to mind.

I realized most of the time we focus our energy asking why things didn’t turn out the way we wanted it to happen. There are lots of what ifs, could haves and should haves that are running in our mind.  We have a choice though to either dwell on those thoughts and drama or just accept things as it is and let go. If we continue to relive them on our minds, the same scenario will keep on manifesting in the future until we have the courage to acknowledge and decide to heal from them. As with my case, I didn’t accept the pain of losing my father and I always yearn for his love and presence. Asking God why it happened and what could our life be if he is still with us until now. I keep seeing myself as a helpless little girl whose source of fatherly love and protection was gone in just one night. My mind cannot decipher what happened then. Did I do something wrong, am I the reason of his heart attack?  That’s why I long for men’s love and affection. I eagerly welcome them in my life and will do everything for them. I hold on to them, but subconsciously I know they will leave me in the end. Then I cannot handle the pain of rejection very well and I keep on blaming myself until I am shattered into pieces. It’s a reoccurring event in my life. I feel embarrassed in admitting this but it’s the truth and I need to shed light on this.

I have learned that it’s okay to admit we are in pain, avoiding it by indulging too much in alcohol, food, sex, drugs or any kind of temporary pleasure doesn’t make it go away.  Attending retreats or joining several meditation or spiritual activities and feeling the bliss for a moment is ineffective without follow through and still denying our emotions. Projecting it to other people doesn’t help either. Most of the sufferings in this world are caused by blaming other people and refusing to accept responsibility for our own emotions. We can only do so much. Let’s end up playing the blame game and stop acting as a victim. We are always in control of everything inside of ourselves. Let’s embrace the pain, dig deeper, let it flow within our body and release it. Every emotion has a message for us, let’s welcome and learn from them. Sure, it’s not an easy thing to do. There are days that I still question God why He took my father too early from us. Sometimes I still blame and hated myself, I can’t see something lovable in me. My life sucks and I’m worthless. How I dreaded feeling the pain. Also being an Empath, feeling deeply than normal people intensifies the pain. I am always tempted to go for that momentary high and settle for something less just to ease the pain. Sometimes I failed, sometimes I succeed. It’s a never-ending journey of acceptance and letting go.

Right now, I’m accepting death as an inevitable phenomenon in life. People come and go, holding on to them will only stop the flow of life. There are some events in our lives that we don’t have control over. Just because somebody left you doesn’t mean you are not worthy of love at all.  I am picking up the pieces of me by learning how to nurture that love and affection within myself which I am always trying to fill by being with the opposite sex. I cannot expect it from other people if I don’t possess it myself. I accept myself as of this moment but also believe that I have yet to be the best version of me. I am appreciating myself more, looking for areas of improvement, doing things that I love, being true to myself, surrounding myself with like-minded and happy people, finding my worth as a woman and learning how to set healthy boundaries. I know it’s not an overnight process but I press on with my goals.

Maybe this is what it means by walking our spiritual path. We continue to evolve, face our issues and unhealed wounds, feel the pain and eventually heal. This is where the real battle is and we shouldn’t give up no matter how messy things may seem. It’s always worth it at the end.

Isn’t life exciting? And I’m just starting…

Namaste my friends,

Janice