When I turned 30 last year I embark on a journey of self love and acceptance. And just a few months after that I’ve meet some wonderful people who taught me a lot about loving myself. I wish it was as easy as them showing me how to love and feel loved. But I was in for the ride of my life and it was a series of highs and lows of emotions. All my buttons were pushed and every unresolved issue I had regarding self love and self acceptance came out of the open. I almost hated these people and I was tempted to quit this journey, continue to hide my issues, blame everyone except me and pretend everything is okay even if the opposite is true. But that’s not how I intend to live my life. So I choose to carry on even though I was severely beaten and exhausted at least not physically but metaphorically.

Now it’s already been a year and things are getting messier but along with it are the baby steps I have taken to slowly change my life. I have learned how to choose me, how to be happy and whole on my own. Having someone by your side to share your love with is just an added bonus but I am okay with or without them. And I tell you it was not always easy, I have battled with loneliness and depression several times. I fall every now and then and sometimes get stuck in the cycle of looking again for that outside validation. When it happens, I acknowledge it, I show compassion towards myself and learn to forgive myself. It’s part of the journey but I don’t stay there, I get up and move on.

I remember a week ago, I attended a Spiritual Sound Journey and the focus at the time was healing the heart chakra. While laying there listening to the sound and feeling the vibration of the Tibetan bowls, tears were flowing like a river. And it hit me that all these times that my heart was broken, I was the one who allow it to break into pieces by choosing other people instead of me. And I did it by saying yes to others even if deep inside of me was dying to say no. By keeping my ideas to myself and not standing up for myself because I was afraid to be ridiculed and judged by other people. By compromising my principles thinking it would not cause any harm but ended up damaging myself in the process. By conforming myself to other people’s idea of who I should be and what I should do just to please them even if it is not aligned with my true self. By doing sacrifices for others up to the point of giving too much leaving me exhausted and a well empty without anybody to help me fill it. By not setting strong boundaries so people took advantage of me, etc. I was doing it out of fear and selfish reason, afraid that nobody will accept and love me. Because most of the time I didn’t love and accept myself so I was looking for external sources to desperately fill that void within me. And as long as I keep doing this, it is guaranteed that I will continuously break my heart also. Because only me can fill that emptiness I feel inside, not other people. And it starts by loving myself first and accepting everything about me, the good, the bad and the ugly.

I have read a lot of articles regarding this topic and I can think of so many ways to do it but honestly this is easier said than done. Its one thing to write or read about it, but it’s another thing when you are actually facing yourself alone. I personally believe this is a life long journey, and it varies with each individual depending on where you are in your path right now. Based on my personal experience it starts by having an awareness, by asking yourself how you are doing right now with your relationship towards yourself. Are you happy about it, what are the things that you don’t accept and love about yourself?  When you face the mirror what are the thoughts in your mind? What can YOU (yes YOU, not other people) do for yourself to make you feel loved and accepted without looking for it from outside sources? Go within, ask yourself, do some soul searching. It is important to be completely honest with yourself. Then write in your journal the ideas that came to mind (without judgment if possible) while looking for the answer. If you see yourself having second thoughts, observe where this is coming from. And when you already have the answer, take action. Because this is where change will happen in your life. Also don’t be afraid to reach out to others whom you can share your struggle and be completely honest and vulnerable with them. Having someone to support you emotionally is very crucial in your journey to self love and acceptance. And most of all learn to be open to this Divine love coming from God/Universe/Higher Self which is the ultimate source of love that is flowing in every fiber of our being. We will never run out of it, it has always been there within us. We are created out of that love and it is our very own nature.

As for me, I am aware that I still have a long way to go in my journey; I have yet to meet more amazing people, experience more nerve wracking encounters and magical moments and completely surrender to each moment of ecstasy, sadness, pure joy, rapture, despair and pain. Aren’t I’m so lucky being alive and celebrating my 31st year of existence today?

I love you all and thank you for being part of my life in one way or another!

Always,

Janice